There’s really no better way to suck up the culture of Baltimore than taking your tiny chihuahua for a walk at 10:30 at night. First sight out my front door is the trampled garden fence around the tree in front of my house. No matter how many times I stick them back into the tough dirt surrounding my sickly tree, someone always deems it appropriate to rip the foot-high fencing out.

Better yet, I’m quickly basking in the delightful ambiance of a drunk guy across the street having a loud phone conversation in which every sentence contains a four letter word and a declaration that he can “kick any man’s ass, no matter how short or how tall.” Apparently the Baltimore drunken guy mating ritual doesn’t succeed in this attempt at courting a member of the opposite sex, on the other end of the phone conversation. So the Baltimore drunken guy continues walking down the other side of the street, menacingly eyeing all six inches of Gizmo, my ferocious chihuahua.

As if all of that wasn’t good enough, tonight I received a special treat. Just as my dog Gizmo was marking a patch of grass next to my car, I noticed my front bumper was wet. Sure enough, either a six foot tall dog marked my car, or, more likely, one of the local Baltimore drunk guys did. I did not know they marked their territory. Imagine my excitement over this stunning cultural discovery.

Yes, there’s no better way to take in Baltimore culture than walking your dog at 10:30 at night.

It makes you wonder how we humans have advanced this far.