Remember the next day? I went to Vermont, they went back, and you and them had a “come to jesus moment.” When I talked to you that evening on the phone, you took their side, and told me I was wrong. When I tried to explain the truth of what had happened, you got mad at me, and told me if I really cared about you I’d just let you believe whatever you wanted to believe, whatever made you happy. Maybe you’re right, but did you ever stop to think about it from my perspective, what that must have felt like?

The next day I started taking the subversive heat for defending you, while I’m still out on the road, and when I called you and asked you what the hell was going on, you flipped out…then on top of the stress that I’m dealing with for putting my neck out for you, I’m then dealing with the stress of you fighting me. Thus you have another one of our fights that was “all my fault,” and another instance I’m sure of me being “emotionally abusive.”

After all of that, do you remember what happened with that idea?

Nothing.

…

That’s but one tiny speck in a sea of two years of dealing with that for me. Do I wish I would have wiped my hands of it once I gave your idea to them, and just walked away? No, I don’t. I believe that ideas are what’s important, and don’t regret or feel ashamed about standing up for you…I took a principled stand. Do I recognize that it was my decision, and that I own the consequences of it, including taking the heat for it and having you wipe your hands of it once it became my problem? I certainly do. Do I think you used me in that situation? Yes, 100%. Whether you realize it or not is a question I’ve never been able to figure out. Did I have to accept it? Nope - the next time you came to me with an idea, or for help, I could have just said “you’re on your own.” That’s a decision I also own.

But beyond all of that, on a raw human level, can you really, truly, not understand how belittled, betrayed and used that made me feel? Is your position really that it was all me, and you were just the victim?

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Or let's talk about your domain. Do I need to post the email that came out in court where I tried to transfer the domain to you in, I believe, November of 2010? Do you not remember that? Only you, I and Jason were privy to that information...because everyone else was sitting outside the courtroom when it came up in evidence. Is that simply another convenient lapse in your memory, or is it a lapse in your integrity?

On that topic, so let's get this straight, my "first threat" was to ruin your name by using that domain. So me using your own emails and texts, which are also public documents now because they were submitted as evidence and to which you never objected though you were given the chance in court, to disprove the lies you said about me is somehow making you a victim?  So me telling the truth to clear my own name against the lies you perpetrated makes me the abuser? Seriously? Seriously? Or a better way to frame it, me telling the truth specifically against the lies you've leveled against me, through your own emails and texts, ruins your name and it's my fault? The liar has no responsibility for telling lies? Or are you implying that I should allow you to ruin my name with lies, and I shouldn't be allowed to tell the truth? If this is not about me clearing my name, and just about me implementing my "first threat," - how exactly do you have your domain? And how exactly discredit you if you hadn't lied in the first place, and left a trail of contradictory evidence? Your full name will forever be on my record under a Peace Order attempt. It will be there forever, even though it was appealed and lifted, I will have to explain that story the rest of my life. Do you know how bad that looks on me? You do...because told people afterward that was exactly your intent, to make sure it was stuck to my name. Heaven forbid I tell my side of the story, on my blog, using the same name that is forever attached to my record, so that I don't have to verbally recount it every time someone asks me the rest of my life.

It's funny, again, contradictions. You mentioned this blog has not "one iota" of truth. So are you saying that your emails and texts that I posted aren't true? Like when in court you said you wanted nothing to do with me since June of 2010, and then I presented the text message threads of you coming to my house in June of 2011.  Oh, I get it, that was just me using guilt to control you, or there would be hell to pay if you didn't come to my house. That's right, because you didn't have complete control over me, I didn't come to your side like an obedient little dog every time you got into a fight with a manager, needed attention, needed help or had some crisis that you needed support through. Or do you not remember coming to my house in January of 2011 during your headaches, and after you left texting me, "Like it feels worse physically, but it feels like relief emotionally" - implying that talking through it with me had helped. Do you not remember me replying, "I wish I could to where you are [emotionally obviously]" and you responding, "I wish you could to." Or was that just me being a monster again? 

Do you really not remember the MOUNDS of texts messages and phone calls between us? Do you not remember what the judge said at the appeal? "You may have felt that way, but he certainly had no way of knowing you didn't want to talk to him." 

Or let's talk about projection. There is clear evidence that I have posted of you taking credit for my work. And I'll tell the truth, I told you to...because you and I were a team, I viewed you getting credit as "us" getting credit, and I just wanted to get you re-engaged and give you opportunity to bloom. Remember I used to say I didn't think you appreciated me, and you'd yell at me instead of trying to understand why I didn't feel you appreciated me. So what appreciation did you show me for that? You ran around and told people that all I ever did was take credit for Jason's work, when you saw me do it with your own eyes. 

Truth is never black and white, it's always grey. And if you want people to start taking your word more seriously, stop contradicting yourself, and stop lying. What am I trying to do to you??? No, all I'm doing here is specifically countering lies you leveled against me with your own words...because there's nothing that says I have to take that, nor that I have to just allow you to lie about me. 

I'm sorry, I am angry. And I can tell you are too. You mention I didn't break you? Good, because I wasn't trying to. If you think I'm lying here, tell me, and if I am, I will correct it. You have my word on that. I am not interested in anything but the truth, the whole one...and you know very well that I am leaving out details out of respect for you, which the absence of is allowing you to portray me as a crazy person who's making it all up in his head. For example, like the fantasy you described to me while we were at my parents house. Just tell the truth. It really bothers me that you think I'm trying to control you, or break you, or tell you what to think. No, I'm not. I just want you to tell the truth, the WHOLE truth, because I was there too. And you refused to, so I had to tell it, instead of allowing you to portray me whatever horrible way fit your plans and your needs. All I want is for you to tell the WHOLE truth, and as I showed today, I'm not being black and white. You are. 

I didn't win shit, this is last thing I ever wanted. Defending myself against lies from you. It is the last thing I ever wanted. 

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I disagree with almost 100% of her perspective below, and in fact, I could pick apart pieces that are just wrong, revisionist history or from my perspective lies. Nevertheless, it is her perspective, and she has every right to have her perspective heard here...since I've obviously been posting mine. Albeit, a lot of what she's talking about is completely off topic from the December I'm writing about...but I will respond to this, whether later today or in the coming days. But not in this post, she has the floor in this post.

She has every right to have her perspective heard here. I am no hypocrite, and no coward, I will not bitch and moan about how my story was never heard and was silenced, and then silence hers'. I just won't. Trust me when I say this, this isn't easy for me to post, it's gut-wrenching painful. But in life, the right thing to do, is often the hardest. And the right thing to do, at least from my point of view, is to allow all perspectives a chance to be heard, a chance for open discourse. 

One thing I always tried to "convince" her was that she should never be afraid to voice her opinion or her thoughts, and in that, she should also never be afraid to defend her voice and opinions. Well here you go, actions speak louder than words: 

This was a letter I wrote one day but never sent. I guess at this point I should at least post it.

If you want to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth why don’t you start? Why don’t you tell all of your beloved fans about the times that you kept me stuck in your office for hours on end? Why don’t you tell them about the time you drove me around in your car for over two hours and I later told you I almost jumped out? Why don’t you tell them about the time I held a knife to my wrists, we were on the phone dumbass, and told you that it was because of you and your response was that it showed you how much I cared for you? Oh silly me, I was just being Dramatic.

Why don’t you tell them about the night in San Diego that you cried in my room and in response to me telling you I couldn’t handle it you told me all I ever did was abandon you and how afterwards I roamed the streets of San Diego at night hoping something bad would happen to me so that it would take me away from you? About how after that I was so stressed the only way I could avoid a panic attack was to buy headphones and listen to music in one ear while I listened to everyone else through my other ear? Why don’t you tell everyone about the time that you deliberately smoked in your car on the way to Palm Springs with the windows up because you knew how much I hated cigarette smoke? And how about on that same car ride you talked to (co-worker) about me in front of me as if I wasn’t there, refusing to speak to me? Oh silly me, I was just being Selfish.

Why don’t you tell everyone the real reason you bought HeatherPallett.com, your quote, “I could ruin your name and make it so that you could never get Top Secret clearance,” knowing that that was one of the things I wanted most in this world? Why don’t you tell them why you owned it for so long? Why don’t you tell them the truth? That I never knew you were buying my domain name until you threatened me with it. Oh silly me, I should have known you would never really do that, Dramatic again.
Why don’t you tell them about the key logger you put on your computer; about how you told me to go to my g-mail and erase all emails from you as a cover so you could get the password to my account? About how afterwards you read through my emails and found out about how I was going to the Dominican Republic with my boyfriend and then proceeded to make me pay for it? Speaking of boyfriend, why don’t you tell everyone about how you chased me for two years and the entire time I had a boyfriend? Why don’t you tell everyone about the time you told me you wished you could speak to him and explain to him how you were both my ‘victims’? Why don’t you tell everyone about the time you asked me if my boyfriend proposed to me on the cruise we were going on in December would I say yes? Tell them how after I said yes you again proceeded to make me pay for it. Why don’t you tell everyone how you said you were going to send your suicide letter to my boyfriend and his mom right before we were going to go on the cruise so that you could ruin it? Oh silly me, I was just being overly Sensitive.

Why don’t you tell everyone about the time you were on your knees behind the (work) building begging me to help you because since I’ve ‘left’ you have had a gun to your mouth three times and just wanted to pull the trigger? Why don’t you tell everyone how you really feel about the columbine shootings? Tell them how you feel they deserved what they got. Why don’t you tell everyone about the time at Lake Tahoe were you send me over a hundred text messages to me about wanting to hurt yourself because I went to dinner with (coworker) and her friends and how you vividly described to me what it was like slicing your wrists with a dull razor and then going to find (girl that you say drove you to it) to show her exactly what she had done to you? Oh silly me, there I go being Selfish again.

Why don’t you tell everyone about your sources you still have a (work) that you are having spy on me so that you can still know what I am doing? Why don’t you tell everyone how after I said I was going to HR about everything and started walking over there that you followed me? Why don’t you tell them how you followed me into the woman’s bathroom trying to stop me? Why don’t you tell everyone about the email you sent from my g-mail saying that I would blackmail you if you went to HR on me, just in case I ever got out of hand you would have something to help control me and the situation? Why don’t you tell everyone about the day that you were teaching me about Standard Deviation that you couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t pick it up and proceeded to insult me? Why don’t you tell everyone about the day you came over to my desk accusing me of sleeping with a co-worker and verbally abusing me on the floor of (my department)? Speaking of (my department) why don’t you tell everyone about how much time you spent in there, all those late nights just happened to coincide with my late nights did they? All the hours you would take me into the hallway and demand that I speak with you; after all you were a ***** weren’t you? You sure acted like a ****** didn’t you? Why don’t you tell everyone about how you yelled to another co-worker about me while I was sitting right outside your office about how I couldn’t take care of (a task) and insulted me to her? You sure cared about how sensitive I was then didn’t you? Why don’t you tell everyone exactly what would happen if I didn’t answer your phone calls? About how many times you would call me if I didn’t answer. About how you would appear in my office the next day if I didn’t answer and explain to me exactly what type of person that made me and then demand to know why I didn’t answer. Oh silly me, there I go Overreacting.

Will you show this on your blog of truth? Will you prove to the entire world that you really can face the truth, the whole truth and not just your one sided version of it? Or will you just prove what I have always known; that you’re really just a toddler; throwing a temper tantrum because you couldn’t have your toy? Will you let the whole world know what really happens when Sean Oakley doesn’t get what he wants? About the consequences that those who cross you have to pay? Even worse will you let them know about the consequences that you tried to make me pay when you realized you couldn’t even break a little girl? How does that feel knowing that you couldn’t break me? I will admit though that you got very close. But never again forget that I am no one’s puppet. Not yours and not Carrie’s and I never will be. I am human being with my own thoughts and I can think for myself, admittedly you did try to take that away from me. At least be honest with yourself, your blog has nothing to do with clearing your name it has everything to do with the first threat you ever made to me, “I could ruin your name and make it so that you could never get Top Secret clearance.” After all didn’t [name] say that if you Google my name this is one of the first things that pops up? Just one more way you are trying to exert your control over me.

Congratulations, do you feel better now knowing that you won, knowing your version of the truth is out all over the internet for everyone to see? We both know this will never see the light of day, or at least not the full version. People will never know exactly what you tried to do, what you are still trying to do, to that little 19 year old girl that you stopped in the stairway that January, all because you couldn’t handle rejection. You might as well enjoy your little victory as much as you can, but never forget the real truth of how ugly you really are, how nasty you are as a person and the damage you intentionally tried to and did inflict on one little girl. Thank you for helping me to grow up and learn that not everyone is intrinsically good. See you did teach me something.

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So one day she was in my office, and I just told her flat out I couldn't deal with the cycles any more. She got completely angry, stomped her foot in my office and yelled at me, "Well that's what I am, cycles."

Shortly after that I went home. She texted me, wanting to talk about the argument, I just told her again that the cycles were hard for me to handle, but reassured her that I wasn't going anywhere, I just needed to express how I feel. We kept texting, christ, back then we texted non-stop...I remember the conversation vividly because she told me I couldn't hold my ghosts against her. It was an incredibly valid point, and one I tried to take to heart, but would eventually fail on later. Unfortunately, I didn't realize at the time, it was advice she should have taken herself as well. 

The point is cycles. Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Were there times when I flipped back and forth? Without a doubt. I will 100% own up to that. But were there also a lot of times when I was reacting to her cycles. When someone is flipping out on me, I am supposed to just take it? Perhaps I should have walked away a long time ago, or perhaps I should have not engaged in the argument...but if you know me at all, I just don't know how to keep my mouth shut when I'm being flipped out on. 

I'm not being black and white here, I'm simply saying that while I'm being accused of flipping between nice and mean, she's the one who openly admits she's cycles...and who openly admits that she wakes up on different sides of the bed every day. Am I saying it was all her, unequivocally no. But to say it was all me, given her own words, is flat out ludicrous. Like everything in life, it's never black and white...it's always shades of grey. 

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Stop right there.

I take that incredibly seriously, due in large part to my own personal history, and one other incident in my past. Pile on top of that how much I cared about her, I freaked. I texted her back, and then I tried calling her...she wouldn't answer. Honestly, because of who I am personally and my own past, this was traumatic for me. Finally, after about another twenty minutes she picked up the phone.

"Where are you, I'm coming right now." 

"I'm fine, calm down." she said.

We talked about it a little, but she just shirked it off. I guess now I recognize it was a cry for attention, but at the time it did a real number on me. If you want to believe her that the arguments were all my fault, and that she never argues with anybody or ever gets into confrontation, fine. I don't care. But the bottomline, I never forgot that moment, so when we did get into arguments afterward, the reason I didn't want her to leave upset was because I was terrified that maybe she wouldn't text me the next time. I can't explain the details of why, but that's a really sore subject for me...and she knew it. 

She used this tactic at other times too. If we were in an argument, and I tried to express how hurt I was, albeit, I never used "I feel" in the beginning of my statements...she would immediately one-up whatever I was feeling by saying something like, "You know I thought about driving into oncoming traffic this morning?" Again, it was like driving a stake through me...but in hindsight, it was also the invalidation of my own feelings. My feelings weren't important, and instead of her recognizing my feelings she would simply one-up me and make it about her.

I don't genuinely think she realized how much control she was exerting over me by doing this. But that's exactly what it was doing. I worried about her constantly. So when incidents like "What is Wrong With You" happened, I felt obligated to make sure she was okay before she stormed away. It was a guilt thing, even when I wasn't the one who started the arguments.

On the flip side, there were a lot of times, because I was going through a lot of shit myself, when I opened up to her about intense feelings, and that had a major impact on her too. I only told her those things because I trusted her unlike anyone else I've ever trusted. Either way, I should have recognized it. 

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I genuinely do not remember the exact other things I said, though I do remember saying other mean things. I do know, because you showed it to me, that you'd written down the things I'd said that day. I know that I was hurt, I don't remember how you hurt me, and I was lashing out and being an absolute dick. I trust you at your word, because you wrote them down, and I want you to please understand that when I read that post it made me cringe. It makes me feel ashamed. 

You and I both said some vicious things to each other throughout the arguments, but two wrongs do not make a right. I am so dearly sorry for saying those things, and you do not deserve that. It makes me feel horrible that I said those things to you, and I truly mean it that I cringed when I read it. Of course I did not mean those things, and was just being overly emotional, but you didn't deserve it. 

I don't know what else to say except I'm really sorry, I have definitely learned from this that I have got to watch the things I say and not let my emotions get the better of me. You did not deserve that. 

I truly do not remember the "you're living" part. I honestly can't believe that I would have said something like that, but again, I will take you at your word. And that is an absolutely horrific thing to say. I'm just really sorry and you did not deserve that. I am a horrible person for saying those things, and so completely ashamed that I would say something like that to someone I cared so much about. You did not deserve that. 

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So I asked her, "What's wrong with you."

She looked at me like she was going to cry and said, "How could you say that to me?" 

I was stunned, I truthfully didn't know what I had just said. She stopped after a few seconds, looked embarrassed, and then said something along the lines of "oh, never mind, I misunderstood you." She went on to beat herself up about how stupid she was for misinterpreting what I was saying. 

Instead of focusing on the mis-communication, I instead focused on not allowing her to beat herself up. She had a tendency to do that, and I hated it. I think she thought I was implying something was actually wrong with her, when what I was trying to say was what's wrong. It was completely my fault for adding the "with you," but I never even thought about it. 

Now that I reflect back on this, and after having read her blog, I really blame myself. Instead of looking at this as a isolated or occasional incident, I should have recognized that this was a re-occurring theme to which most of the time she was not verbalizing what she thought I was saying versus what I was trying to say. 

I'm so angry at myself right now because I realize that this type of communication is partially what led her to feel the way she did, and what she feels now. And that's squarely on me. If I'd taken the time to understand that aspect more, I could have learned how to be more careful with the delivery of my words to make sure she did not derive a different meaning out of what I was trying to convey. Which means that my negligence caused her to feel that way. 

I know there are logical flaws in that. There's another side to the equation, and there's certainly an aspect that she owns in which she failed to understand what I was trying to say. I mean, given the context, it seemed fairly obvious what I was saying when I said, "What's wrong with you." Even more abundantly proven when she actually felt embarrassed about it. 

But does logic really matter? In this type of situation my focus would be on explaining myself, because of the guilt I felt for making her upset, and not in getting outside of my own head to understand how she had perceived my words, and trying to avoid a re-occurring miscommunication. Which means I made it about me, and not about her. In retrospect, I should have made it about ensuring we didn't run into that type of slip-up over and over again...but I didn't, so we did. And unfortunately, as it turns out, she wasn't verbalizing what she thought I was saying very often. I accept the blame for that, I should have been better. 

"I hope that we can both become better people out of this." - H.P.

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What I will say is this. Ophelia, I have wanted nothing more for five months than to hear what you felt and are feeling. I want to know what you are feeling. I am listening. If I do not understand how I made you feel, than how can I ever ensure that I don't ever make someone else feel that way again? We have different perspectives on events, and that is fine...but no matter what, I could have done something differently that would have avoided you feeling that way. So please keep writing...I promise you I am listening. I want to know how I made you feel, no matter how much it breaks my heart. I deserve it. 

Before I get into a lot of what I have to say over the next days, weeks, months...however long it takes for me to express what's inside of me...there's something to explain about myself first. It's what I keep hidden, it's the missing piece no one can figure out and why they can never fully understand me. 

To Carrie: please listen, I know you are lurking on my blog. I am begging you, you will find no more spite in me, but just the humility that can only be attained after coming face to face with the realization, and serious guilt, of how I contributed in any way shape or form to how badly someone I loved so dearly felt. I certainly don't expect, nor would I ever ask, you to give two shits about me. But if you truly care about her, truly, please do not lurk here to run interference on what I'm going to say. Please allow her to read my words on her own, without any interference. I am begging you not for me, but for her. She deserves closure, and she deserves to know that her words and feelings have made an impact on me. 

"I hope that we can both become better people out of this." - H.P. 

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According to the first section of Maryland's wiretapping law, it is illegal to intercept "oral communications" to words spoken in a "private conversation." That "private conversation" part is critical, and unlike language in other state's wiretapping laws (Massachusetts and Illinois for example), which do not have privacy provisions. It's also a point of contention in the recent news stories about Baltimore police officers claiming that citizens recording them at traffic stops and during arrests is illegal, and said citizens being charged. In those specific cases, it's highly unlikely that a police officer stop or arrest could be considered private.

But here's an example that would be private. Let's say two people were in an office, behind a closed door, and one of those people recorded the conversation on their cellphone without the other knowing...that would be reasonably considered a private conversation. Without consent of the person being recorded, it is also breaking Maryland's wiretapping law, which is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. 

Which would make it incredibly stupid of someone who recorded someone else without their knowledge, in a private conversation, to run around and brag about it to others, wouldn't it?

Further, when I started my new job we went through the handbook and there was a whole section of infractions and the severity of the infractions. Under the highest level of severity, or instant termination, was recording someone else without their consent. Okay, so apparently reputable companies take infractions like this pretty seriously. I'm sure that reputable companies don't think too highly of employees who break the law, particularly on company property, but there must also be some type of liability involved when one employee records another without the other employee's consent, and the company has knowledge of it. It just seemed weird to me that the specific case of recording someone without their knowledge was so prominently highlighted in the handbook.  

Like I said, I really didn't know that much about the law until my curiosity took over and I started researching something I didn't know much about. But, to paraphrase my favorite tv show as a kid, "Now you know, and knowing is half the battle."

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When she told me the truth about her having Herpes, and how she contracted it, she positioned herself as a victim. She complained about her life and how aspects of her life were over now, and about how evil the person was who’d given it to her. She said she’d told her mother and when I asked how her mother had responded, she said her mother was very disappointed in her. She acted as if she was completely shamed about it, and it was everyone else’s fault that she felt so alone in it.

Initially I had tons of sympathy for her and couldn’t imagine going through something like that with only disappointment from my mother, instead of support. But as time has gone on and I’ve reflected on the whole story now, I don’t have as much sympathy.

It wasn’t like she caught Avian Flu, or came down with Cancer…she contracted Herpes solely because of her own decisions. Yet she wanted to take no personal responsibility for it. Worse, because she never took personal responsibility for anything, everything was all about her, so she exposed me to Herpes at least a dozen times without ever disclosing it to me. Yes, again, I should have been smarter and not allowed myself to be exposed, but the fact that she would knowingly expose me without even telling me speaks volumes for how self-centered she really is. Never mind the fact that in Maryland, and in many other states, it is illegal to expose someone to incurable STDs without informing them. But I digress…

Before I was tested and came back negative, it was one of the most stressful moments of my life, and I didn’t tell a single soul about what was going on. It was completely my own fault for not being smarter, and for giving trust to someone too easily. I don’t think it’s that most people are evil, I just think they’re so self-centered and stuck in their own head that it is impossible for them to take anyone else into consideration.

The selfishness of people is incredibly dangerous. As I got to know her more, I recognized how her being a victim to Herpes bled into her worldview, and she believed she would never have things she was entitled to because of her bad decisions. So instead, she spent a lot of time trying to knock other people down around her, whom she thought were getting things they were not entitled to, and that she should have instead. Since she couldn’t have them, she simply tried to take them away from others.

Thankfully, she is completely out of my life now, it is one of the best blessings a person could ever ask for.

Please be careful out there. People are incredibly self-centered, and have no regard for the consequences of their actions that other people end up paying for. It’s unfortunate, but you really have to be skeptical of people today, many of them simply do not care about anyone but themselves.

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